Do you still remember? It’s only been several weeks. A month. 2 Months. That very last moment when we spoke. You called me by the sweetest nickname and I called you by yours. You told me how much you loved me and how much I really meant to you. That the world contain all the feelings you had for me. It felt nice. It felt beautiful. It was perfect.
Then things changed. You changed. I wonder whether it was my fault that it happened. I can’t help but blame myself for being helpless. I blame myself. I tell myself that I didn’t love you enough. I tell myself that it was all my undoings that had caused you to change your mind and distance yourself from me. I can’t help but think that it was me who couldn’t show you what it’s like to be happy. And now you are no longer with me. I let you go. It was me. Me.
But who am I to complain? Who is it that I can complain to? No one knew you like I did. No one felt the same way I did. If I were to tell you that I miss you, that I want you back, that I couldn’t live without you and that in fact I was dying from the empty space you left behind, would you come back to me? Would you rescue me from my demise?
I look back and I still can’t understand. Where did it go wrong? One moment we were the best of friends, lovers, family and the next you stopped belonging to me. As if you were my most prized possession who got outbid by another party, with the blink of an eye, you were property of someone else. No longer do I hold the rights to care and no longer can I love.
I think about you day and night. Screaming my lungs in the hope that even in the far distance you could hear my cry for help. I cry in the embrace of my pillow because the warmth has vanished along with your place in my life. Replaced by the inconsiderate texts you send me and the inappropriate thoughts that remain lingering through my body.
If you were to ask me back, I wouldn’t think twice. Even through all that’s happened, I can forgive and forget. This however is not the time. This however is not my choice to make.
Destiny has made that decision for us, for me and I can only obey.
Now is not the time to care. I have to move on. I have to forego.
But when is it really time.
Can anyone tell me?